Serving My Parents

Lately I've been thinking more about the people in my life. I think about how I could serve each of them in my immediate and extended family. I think about how I can serve those in my team at work and some in my neighborhood. As I have done this, I've had more opportunity to think about serving my Dad and my Mom. And then I stop and remember that Mom is gone and I can no longer serve her directly. There's an odd emptiness there that I haven't felt in the time that she's been gone. I miss visiting her, holding her hand as we walked down the care center hallway, seeing her smile when she saw me or my kids, her.

But I did have the privilege of serving Dad tonight - which was just as great. I visited with him for a while this evening and saw the progress he's making. I noticed that he has a handle above his bed which allows him to lift himself to a sitting position on the side of the bed. His balance is also improving. And he showed me tonight that there is very slight movement at his left elbow. This is so exciting! I understand that re-training the brain takes a long time so these small steps forward are very significant.

Renewed Faith

Most weeks when we visit Dad in his care facility, the whole family comes. But today I was there alone. This provided an opportunity for me to sit down with Dad and talk in a more focused way. We talked the small stuff and then I talked to him about how I was concerned with how he was doing. According to Susan, he's been a bit depressed lately - even to the point of planning out his funeral.

In the middle of this conversation, a few men in suits showed up. They introduced themselves as a former Church leader (Bishop), a neighbor, and a current Church leader (Stake President). Dad was very happy to see them. The neighbor was very encouraging to Dad. He talked about his daughter who suffered an aneurism in her brain three years ago and lost her motor skills. Since that time, she' has recovered nearly 85% - enough that she is able to attend college in another state independently. He urged Dad to be patient and hopeful.

Then the Stake President spoke up saying the he understood that Dad wanted a blessing. Dad verified this and we wheeled his chair from the patio to his room where these three men and I stood around Dad with hands on his head to offer the blessing. The Stake President gave the blessing. He said Dad can find meaning for this challenge by looking at it through an eternal perspective. He acknowledged that Dad has had a lifetime of serving and now he is presented with the opportunity to accept service from others. And finally he promised Dad healing as he (and others around him) exercise faith in Jesus Christ.

I was impressed by the service that was offered and the uplifting, hopeful and faith inspiring messages that were shared. The men left after a few more minutes of talking and then Dad and I spoke a bit more. I remembered a scripture I read a few weeks earlier and shared it with him.

"Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord." - D&C 98:3

So I asked him what good he's seen. He responded that he's learned more about the power of prayer. He cited how this has helped Susan to grow and learn. And he said that he's received confirmation about the love of his family.

Seems like whatever the experience, good or bad, there is always some healing or teaching purpose in it. That's the way I felt about Mom. The trick is have faith that it's there and then simply to find it.

My faith in Dad's recovery is renewed from my last post about it. And even if he doesn't get back to the goal he mentioned tonight of being able to walk back into Church, there's healing and learning in this - I'm sure of it. 

Offroading in a Minivan

We got all ready for Church this morning with Sunday best and a diaper bag packed with all sorts of toys, books, coloring, and snacks and then got everyone packed in the van and realized that today's Church (a two hour general meeting held once a year) was not going to work for our kids who were showing extra signs of moodiness and irritability today. So instead, Alicia and I decided to listen to talks in the car and take the kids for a drive.

We began our journey thinking that we'd go to Grandma's gravesite and then visit Grandpa but plans changed as I we approached the mountains around Orem and I thought it might be nice to take the kids instead to a valley overlook on the east mountains.

The road to that point is all paved and I've been there several times so no one had any concerns. But as I approached that point, I thought about how there's a road that leads deeper into the woods that I have a faint recollection of traveling only once when I was a kid. Whenever I've attempted previously, it's always been closed off because of snow but now, it is the end of Summer. Surely it would be open now! So, I talked to Alicia about it and told her about a lookout point I remembered and that I'd like to take the kids there. She agreed and we went. The pavement road turned into a dirt one. But it was well kept and very traversable in our van.

We drove for about 30 minutes enjoying the wildflowers and trees and meadows. It was really quite beautiful. Then we reached the lookout point I remembered (the pictures of the family show that in background). We had enjoyed the trip so far so we thought we'd go on. A few minutes later, we reached a point where a sign instructed us that from this point on, passenger vehicle travel is not recommended. We had been on that road for over an hour and the thought of traversing the same path back was not appealing. Besides, I knew that this road eventually lead out another canyon on the south side of Utah Valley and I was curious to see it. So on the condition that if the road got too bad we'd turn around, we went forward.

At first it was very doable. We were deep in the forest and tall pine trees surrounded us. The kids seemed to be enjoying it at this point. We opened the windows at one point to let the mountain air in and I commented that it smelled good. Jason, from the back seat stated, "Yes. It smells like peanuts." We stopped a few times to stretch our legs and pick some wildflowers and then drove some more talking happily from the safety of our van about bears, poisonous flowers, rough roads and other hazards of the forest.

Then we excited a heavily wooded area and the road started to get rougher. We were another hour down the road by now so there was no cashing in on the offer to turn around if the road got rough so we just continued. The car jostled around and we hit a few rocks with the undercarriage of the car. Alicia and I were no longer relaxed into our seats, we were leaning forward straining to see details of the road before us. Alicia would speak out directions on which rocks to avoid as we crawled along the road at less than 5 mph trying simply to get through this ordeal. We continued this way for another hour.

We didn't see many people on that road but those we did see (all of them in trucks or ATVs) looked at us like we were crazy. Finally, the road dropped in elevation and the road conditions improved until we at last met back up with pavement. Alicia and I gave each other five for having survived it and Ethan spoke up from the mid-row that this was the "Worst Sunday Ever." But we're alive.

I don't think my kids will trust me anymore when I suggest that we go for a drive. They've had the "Getting Lost" experience and now this.

One Year Without Mom

A year ago today Mom died. As I got out of bed this morning, I went straight to the window to see how similar the skies would be to the morning that she died. As I got ready for the day, I reflected on how I felt then and how profound it was to see her pass on. And as I knelt at her headstone later this afternoon, I reflected how that in the year that has passed since then, I've thought differently about death, life, Jesus Christ and even my Mom herself.

When Mom died, it was a holy experience. The feeling in the room was thick - so much so that talking or even quick movement was somehow inappropriate. It was a very reverent and peaceful passing as she quietly slipped away with nothing more than a blink and a final breath. From that point on I saw death differently. I am aware that not every passing is like this but within the environment that I experienced, I saw death as a blessing. My beliefs about what happens after we die were also strengthened. I have felt several assurances over the last year that Mom still lives - just in a spirit form. Sometimes I wonder if she sees me and the life I'm living. I wonder if she's happy with what she sees. It's a great comfort to believe that the soul lives on. Additionally, it's enlightening to think that learning and progression (link to previous post) continue. I imagine that Mom is happier and has more opportunities to learn and grow now that she's passed on from the sicknesses of her final years.

Since Mom's death, I've seen life as more fleeting and temporary. I remember a morning shortly after Mom's death when I was riding the train to work. I looked the faces of strangers around me and imagined how they might experience death. It sounds really morbid but it caused me to realize that extended years on earth are not an entitlement and anyone could go at any time. I imagined that most of those I saw that day were not even thinking about death and therefore were not conscious of the precious gift of life. I often have the same limited perspective. But there are times that I remember and treat life as the gift that it is.

Experiencing Mom's death put my soul on a more reflective course and it was one of the dominoes that fell in a series of experiences and thoughts to lead me to a greater understanding of the love of Jesus Christ - and a certain knowledge that he exists. This knowledge is an anchor to my soul and anything leading up to that deserves gratitude.

Finally, I've learned about Mom. To my knowledge, her final act of willpower before she died was to request a blessing after her fall. I was honored to offer that blessing. She had great faith. In her final days - even up to the very end she recognized me and would welcome me with a smile. I saw in this her love not only for me but for my siblings and children. After she died I had opportunity to reflect on and hear about some of her shortcomings. It's very difficult to properly categorize Mom's positive and negative actions into the either the illness or personality categorizations so I've decided to leave that to God and I choose to look at the good she did and was. That conscious decision has made all the difference. I feel that I see her in similar ways that God sees her. God loves all of us - faults and all. He is always encouraging us to improve and be better because he sees our potential. As I've chosen to love Mom, I get glimpses of her ongoing potential. It's odd but sometimes I feel like she can feel my love for her and it somehow helps her realize this potential.

I am more than at peace with my Mom's passing. I've been blessed through the experience - and I believe Mom has been too.

Unexpected Knowledge

A few months ago I was about to meet with someone in their office when I recognized a book on his desk. He saw my glance and asked me if I knew the book.

"That was one of my Mom's favorite books" I answered. "I've never read it but she read it loads of times."

"Why don't you take it?" David suggested. I accepted the offer and it sat in my bag for weeks as I travelled to and from work. I read a few chapters - mostly to be able to report that I had been reading it when David asked. But it's never really fit into my daily pattern to read the book.

As I returned to work from Ethan's graduation, I found my usual pattern disrupted as was on the train and had no Internet connection with which to study the online materials I usually read and memorize in the mornings. So, instead I took the book, Return from Tomorrow out of my bag and began reading.

The book tells the story of a young man who died and saw elements of the life after this one. I am sort of numb to life after death stories after my Mom talked about it all the time. I believe in life after death. I also believe that our spirits separate from our bodies at death and continue to live on this earth. But I wasn't interested in reading a book about it. But my Mom's death softened me a bit on this - she was such a fan of this book that I felt it was likely that what she read here was likely going through her mind when she passed. So I read it thinking of her.

It was a typical life after death story. Man dies, sees his body, travels the world in spirit form getting used to his new predicament, questions his death, comes to acceptance of it. All very interesting stuff but then the story went in a direction that I didn't anticipate. At a point when the man had come to acceptance and was sitting next to his hollow body, the room lightened and he found himself In the presence of Jesus Christ.

From this point on, I was no longer simply reading a book or consuming a story. In some ways, it didn't even feel like I was on the train anymore. It's difficult to write about the experience. I had heard, studied and believed in Christ, His love and power. I have even felt his love on one notable occassion as I served a mission for the LDS Church in Texas almost 15 years ago. Today I felt it again strongly. It was as if I too were experiencing what this man did as he saw the Savior and a felt his overpowering love for him. I felt like I had to pull out of the experience to try to compose myself since I was in public spaces. Had I been alone, I probably would. Have wept openly. I kept reading of how the Savior escorted the man through various places in the spirit world and then I decided it was probably time to get to work. I had already missed my stop and the train had reversed directions - going southbound again. I got off the train and began walking through downtown Salt Lake pondering on what I felt.

It felt like I had been given a gift. I knew better now of the reality of Jesus than I ever had before. After 36 years and various depths of hearing and studing His words, it felt like all fo that came together today with a feeling that it was all real. The very next thought was what that I should do something with this knowledge but I didn't know how. In the book the man found his purpose to be looking for and encouraging Christliake attributes in others. That might be me too.

But one thing is for certain. I know better today then I did yesterday that Jesus is real and his love for me is personal and profound. I need to remember this and find a way to share it with others.

Looking for Villians

I just read a scripture in the New Testament about loving your enemies and I thought about the times in my life when villains have emerged. I remembered that kid in elementary school and junior high who seemed to relish the opportunity to make fun of me every time he saw me. I thought about how in the last year of Mom's life, rifts emerged between me and my brother. And right now at work I'm faced with an employee who is reeling from my having not selected him for a promotion and enmity is emerging. But really none of these are villains. In each of those cases, my reaction to avoid the unpleasant situation cased silence which allowed the perceived villainy to fester. But in the end, an open conversation and a healthy dose of humble pie usually remove the perception. This was the case with my brother. I found my error in the situation and apologized and now things are so much better. It's also the case with the guy at work. He's not the right guy for the position right now but I believe he has the potential to be so I offered my support and dedication to work with him towards that end.

So, I feel very lucky that I haven't yet encountered my villains. I'm sure they're out there and I don't look forward to the day that I find one. But all I've seen so far are people that have good hearts. Sometimes junk gets in the way of seeing those good hearts but it's comforting to me to look back on the cast of people that I've had interaction with and not see a dark, mustache-twiling, sinister figure among them.

Mom's Birthday Dinner

One of my favorite pictures of Mom from the 80s.

Mom's birthday is this Thursday. She's been gone for 9 months now and my sister Julie had a great idea of celebrating her birthday in her honor at her favorite restaurant - Brick Oven Pizza in Provo. Now that I think about it, I suppose it's kind of an odd thing to celebrate a birthday for someone who has died but that thought was far from my mind as we were eating together as a family. Instead we were thinking and talking about each other's lives: Jen's absolute passion about being a science teacher (she was wearing a button on her bag that said "I'm a science teacher. What's your superpower?" and her admitting tonight that she makes up songs with science terms as lyrics to help her students learn.), Julie's pending divorce and the proposed terms of the legal contract, Tam's adventures of coming to my work at the alcohol averse Church inadvertently wearing an alcoholic beverage t-shirt she got from her work, Dave's crazy graveyard working schedule and my finishing of the MBA.

In fact, we didn't even talk about Mom until the very end of the meal. With a good amount of laugher, some expressions of condolences for Tam's job situation and Julie's divorce situation, and healthy doses of Hawaiian pizza (Mom's favorite as long as it doesn't have almonds on it) behind us, we raised our mugs over our circular table and toasted Mom.

I've heard that the test of a good leader is the quality of individuals left behind to continue on in the leader's absence. The family is in good shape. We've been though a lot and probably have much yet to endure but if Mom was aware of tonight's birthday celebration, I imagine that she was proud of her kids and hope that she felt honored.

Christmas Day

With the kids in our room last night, Alicia and I got limited sleep. We discovered that Jace talks in his sleep and that our kids toss and turn quite a bit. They got up around 6 and then watched a movie on my work laptop until Claire woke up too.

The opening of Christmas presents today was quite nice. We opened a few then let the kids play a bit then open a few more. By the time we were done, the basement was covered in stockings, wrapping paper, toys, candy, and macositic packaging devices designed to pinch, cut and frustrate the hands that try to retrieve the items they house.

Emily got the roller skates and Zhu Zhu Pets she asked Santa for. Ethan got his claw toy from Santa and some legos but not the Nintendo DS he asked of Santa. He was vocally disappointed and it was the first time Alicia and I have been confronted with Christmas morning ingratitude. We both talked to him about it afterwards. Jace was all about trains. He got a Thomas blanket, and a train playset which he was elated with. Claire got some dress-up shoes and a few dolls. She too enjoyed her gifts. It was the funnest to watch her open gifts because she was always so excited to open them and so happy with what was inside - even if it was pajamas. And then there was Ben. He got some clothes and a few toys but all he really cared about was sleep and formula.

Alicia gave me a new dress coat for me to wear to work. I've been wanting one of these for a very long time so this was a very nice gift. She also was thoughtful enough to request a copy of my Mom's patriarchal blessing and had that with an angel ornament on my tree. Additionally, she made a recipe book of my Mom's recipes. A very thoughtful Christmas from her.

This afternoon we went to Dad and Susan's and did a bit more playing and gifting there too. This year Susan seemed really rushed to get us out the door. But despite that, we had a nice time there and the kids loved their gifts.

Mom's Funeral

Tam slept over last night in preparation for the funeral this morning and in the business of the morning, I noticed that she was off on her own and silent. I went over to her and hugged her.

“I don’t know if I’m ready for today,” she said. I knew how she felt.

At the Church this morning Dave and I were there when the casket arrived. We wheeled her into the Relief Society room and opened the casket. After a quick glance, Dave said these viewings are morbid and left the room as quickly as he could. Mom looks so much better than she did a week ago. They filled in her previously sunken cheeks and face. Her hair was all done up the way she always liked it and she looked peaceful.

Julie offered a prayer then we all said final goodbyes before the casket was closed. This was a tearful point for all of us. But the day wasn’t over yet.

At the funeral service itself Dave provided a life sketch, Tam a tribute, Julie a Poem, me a video of her life and Jen a talk. A few thoughts struck me during the services:

• Dave mentioned that Mom had been gone for so long that he doesn’t believe Julie and I really knew the real Mom. Before when he’s said this, I think I’ve dismissed it. But I think he’s right. This was emphasized later in the tribute Tam offered. Tam talked about a whole bunch of Mom stuff I never saw.
• Jen gave a great talk in which she made the point of illustrating through Mom’s life the danger of judging too quickly and finding the good in people. What a wonderful point! I later put some thought to this and realized that over the past week, I’ve been seeing new parts of my Mom - good things like her faith and love.

I broke down during my video. (I wish I could post it but I used a copyrighted song and can’t post it to YouTube. I have it in my collection at home if anyone wants to see it.) Several people complimented me on the video.

The pallbearers (Dave, me, Mark, Alex, Richard and Steve) put Mom into the hurse and the company then travelled down to the Provo cemetery for the internment. There I said a few comments and then dedicated the grave. A few thoughts here as well:

• It has been difficult to find meaning and purpose in Mom’s captivity to illness, fear and and pain. But over the last few weeks I’ve realized that all effects of the fall can help lead us to faith in Christ. If all that Mom’s gone through leads her or any of the rest of us to faith in Christ then it’s worth it.
• Christ is the true source of healing, hope, freedom and peace. He provides not only the hope of resurrection but also the hope of meaningful life
• Mom’s grave will be a holy place of peace, healing and hope.

The local ward provided a lunch for the guests of the funeral. This turned out to be quite the celebration. Mom’s memorabilia was spread over the front of the stage and families gathered to laugh and talk and comfort and love each other. I was actually surprised at how good I felt when it was all done. I half expected to be an emotional wreck but I wasn’t. None of us were.

The family was told at several points that the funeral was perfect for Mom. I was certainly glad to hear that and judging by the way all of us kids were interacting with each other and feeling by the end of it, I think I agree.

Perhaps Mom thought so too.

Mom's Passing

Early this morning I got up to feed Ben his 2:00 am bottle and texted my sisters to see how things were going with Mom. I found out that her breathing was more labored so I stayed on standby for another few hours when Tam sent another text stating that the aid found that the pulse was unperceivable, her breathing light and her color pale. I left home and arrived at Bel Aire Assisted Living around 4:00 am.

I found Mom just as described and I held her hand, touched her cheek and hair a few times while talking a bit with Tam, Mark and Julie – who had all stayed up all night long. We looked through a few more photo albums together, listened to a bit of music and then there came a point where Mom’s breathing slowed and the feeling in the room changed. Julie had just laid down to rest in a room across the hall so Mark got her. Tam sat by the bedside and held Mom’s hand, Julie sat close by while Mark and I stood, looking on.

As Tam spoke encouragement to Mom to move on, find her Mother and not worry about us, Mom’s breathing slowed. A breath… three seconds of silence. “Thank you, Mom,” I said. Another breath… five seconds of silence. Mom blinked eyes that had remained absolutely motionless in a half-open stare for the last several hours. Another breath. Then silence. We froze in our places waiting to hear another sound from Mom and when none came, it was clear that she had gone. Color left her sunken cheeks and she became completely still.

Each of us were crying in the stillness of the room. Feeling a need to pray privately (not to mention sob), I rushed out of the home and into the night. It was 5:10 am. The stars were out and the dawning sun was just starting to outline the shadowed mountains in a deep blue and purple. No cars or people were around and the night was still. I opened my heart up to Heavenly Father in prayer as I looked up to the stars.

I thanked Father for her and expressed my faith that she would be happier now. I expressed how I would miss her and how I love her. I expressed faith and hope that judgment of her might be balanced with mercy. I don’t know what happened to my Mom and what lead her down her path through mental illness but if she had any fault in it, I pleaded for mercy on her behalf. I also asked Father if he would provide comfort and healing to those of us left behind.

I finished up my prayer, collected myself and went back inside. As we waited for Jen and Dave to show up, I watched her body slowly lose color and fullness in flesh. I touched her shoulder and was amazed at how different her body looked without the spirit in it. She was gone. And my sense of things was that the place she went to must have been really wonderful because I felt the absence of her Spirit too. She had completely moved on. And I can’t say I blame her. It must have been a huge relief to have her spirit back in full function. And to be reunited with her parents and other loved ones – including perhaps the spirit of a child she lost in a miscarriage – must have been wonderful for her.

My siblings and I shared a few more tears and then Mom’s body was taken to the mortuary. At lunch this afternoon, the whole family gathered at my house for some KFC, 7-up and a discussion about funeral arrangements. We’ll have a nice service for her next week.

I’ll miss her. I love her and I look forward to getting to know the real her that has now been released from her body. It’ll be a while yet before I can do this but at least she’s herself again and that’s one step closer to coming to know her.

Effects of a Fall

Driving home from the emergency room tonight at 12:30, my heart and mind was brimming with a conflicting arrangement of emotions and thoughts. Three hours earlier I received a call from Aunt Mary, who, in the absence of Dave and Jen who are camping, authorized the assisted living home to take Mom to the hospital. Mom had a fall a few days ago and the pain resulting from the fall had intensified.

When I arrived at the hospital, Ron and Mary were at her side. I grabbed Mom by the hand as I inspected her injuries. She had a few cuts on her face and a bandaged elbow. I was later shown an x-ray and the bruising on her side. She had broken her pelvis but only with a hairline fracture. Still she was hurting. Typically when she speaks, it’s usually in response to some stimulus – someone asking her a question, something she hears, etc. But tonight, she would twist gingerly in her bed, wince with pain and mutter, “It hurts. It hurts.” without prompting.

Later that evening when she was lifted from the hospital bed to the stretcher for transportation back to Bel Aire Assisted Living, she sat up in fear reaching out for me, calling after me with a pleading of “Where are they taking me?” I stayed by her side in the ambulance to try to calm her fears.

Before they left the emergency room earlier this evening, Ron and I were able to administer a blessing to Mom. I remember two parts of this blessing. One was that despite the ailments of her mind and body, she would know of her family’s love. The second was that she would be made comfortable.

After tucking her into bed at Bel Aire, I began my drive home and opened a prayer in which I asked Heavenly Father again why Mom has to experience such pain, fear and captivity. I was reminded of the blessing I administered in Jesus’ name earlier. Through the merits of the atonement, all negative baggage from this life can be lifted. All of this pain, fear and captivity that Mom is experiencing is a result of the fall and Father’s children need a way to overcome those effects. I noticed a billboard for a company specializing in pain treatment and realized that the only effective treatment is the atonement of Jesus Christ.

The answer to this prayer is not likely something I’ll get completely in this life. But Heavenly Father was merciful to me tonight in allowing me to not only receive but to administer in a potion of the answer to that prayer. Through the Priesthood and power offered through faith in Jesus Christ, pain, fear and captivity can be removed. So, some of the purpose of these things is to lead us to Christ.

I plan to drop by to visit her again after work tomorrow (technically today) and I hope to see evidence of Heavenly Father’s work in progress - reducing the effect of both types of falls.