A year ago today Mom died. As I got out of bed this morning, I went straight to the window to see how similar the skies would be to the morning that she died. As I got ready for the day, I reflected on how I felt then and how profound it was to see her pass on. And as I knelt at her headstone later this afternoon, I reflected how that in the year that has passed since then, I've thought differently about death, life, Jesus Christ and even my Mom herself.
When Mom died, it was a holy experience. The feeling in the room was thick - so much so that talking or even quick movement was somehow inappropriate. It was a very reverent and peaceful passing as she quietly slipped away with nothing more than a blink and a final breath. From that point on I saw death differently. I am aware that not every passing is like this but within the environment that I experienced, I saw death as a blessing. My beliefs about what happens after we die were also strengthened. I have felt several assurances over the last year that Mom still lives - just in a spirit form. Sometimes I wonder if she sees me and the life I'm living. I wonder if she's happy with what she sees. It's a great comfort to believe that the soul lives on. Additionally, it's enlightening to think that learning and progression (link to previous post) continue. I imagine that Mom is happier and has more opportunities to learn and grow now that she's passed on from the sicknesses of her final years.
Since Mom's death, I've seen life as more fleeting and temporary. I remember a morning shortly after Mom's death when I was riding the train to work. I looked the faces of strangers around me and imagined how they might experience death. It sounds really morbid but it caused me to realize that extended years on earth are not an entitlement and anyone could go at any time. I imagined that most of those I saw that day were not even thinking about death and therefore were not conscious of the precious gift of life. I often have the same limited perspective. But there are times that I remember and treat life as the gift that it is.
Experiencing Mom's death put my soul on a more reflective course and it was one of the dominoes that fell in a series of experiences and thoughts to lead me to a greater understanding of the love of Jesus Christ - and a certain knowledge that he exists. This knowledge is an anchor to my soul and anything leading up to that deserves gratitude.
Finally, I've learned about Mom. To my knowledge, her final act of willpower before she died was to request a blessing after her fall. I was honored to offer that blessing. She had great faith. In her final days - even up to the very end she recognized me and would welcome me with a smile. I saw in this her love not only for me but for my siblings and children. After she died I had opportunity to reflect on and hear about some of her shortcomings. It's very difficult to properly categorize Mom's positive and negative actions into the either the illness or personality categorizations so I've decided to leave that to God and I choose to look at the good she did and was. That conscious decision has made all the difference. I feel that I see her in similar ways that God sees her. God loves all of us - faults and all. He is always encouraging us to improve and be better because he sees our potential. As I've chosen to love Mom, I get glimpses of her ongoing potential. It's odd but sometimes I feel like she can feel my love for her and it somehow helps her realize this potential.
I am more than at peace with my Mom's passing. I've been blessed through the experience - and I believe Mom has been too.
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