Escalation

I've got another thing to add to my list of possible reasons for being stressed out. This one I learned with a bit of trial an error. I get a bit overwhelmed because I think the weight of the world is on my shoulders. If a team member is unhappy, it's my fault. If customer relationships don't function well, it's my fault. If the team isn't well organized, it's my fault. If product quality is lacking, it's my fault. Management books tell you that this is true and to a degree it really is true. But I have been trying to do all of this either by myself or by delegation. But what about escalation? What about asking help from God and trusting in him? A few days ago, I reached a point of despiration where I recognized I simply couldn't do what had to be done. The issues were a difficult situation with a potentially laid off employee and troubleshooting a deep-rooted multiple person customer relationship problem. I prayed earlier this week about it and promised to dedicate my efforts to help but asked God to guide both issues to resolution. I trusted that he'd help me solve something I could not solve.

And he did.

Another employment opportunity opened up for this potentially laid off employee - one that he really liked. One of the main players in the customer relationship problem confided more trust in me by telling me that he's been reflecting on aspects of the rift and felt like he needed to talk to me and continue mending the rift. Long-standing efforts to break down resistance to unify the work of two departments were helped by a chain of events that helped combine planning for the departments and brought it into alignment with inspired direction identified years earlier. These things happened entirely outside of my control or influence.

So, the other thing to add to my list of things I might need to change at work is to do better at praying always and ask God to help me - almost collaborate with me - in doing this work. My Father in law has been reading these entries and gave me this very advice last week. I think this is right.

Although this is difficult, I'm sure grateful that I'm learning it. It's providing a foundation that I expect to be very useful in later endeavors.

New Happy Memories

I was telling Alicia today that I think I get the same kind of happiness in sharing amusement parks with my kids as other men do sharing sports or other personal interests with their children. It is nothing but joyful for me to see them smile and laugh with excitement as we enjoy the experience together. That was the case today as we went to Lagoon.

For Ben, his enjoyment was having a greater portion of attention given to him since we weren't occupied in the usual home activities such as cleaning and running errands. Personally, I interacted with him much more than usual in holding him, tickling him and burying my face into his neck to get him to laugh. I appreciated the time and my love for him increased as I was able to be with him more.

For Claire, the highlight was swimming at Lagoon-A-Beach - a collection of pools and water slides in the center of the amusement park. She wandered in and around the kiddie pool for 10-15 minutes at a time - completely independent of course. It was cute to see her in her little blue Ariel swimsuit wandering through the foot deep water, climbing stairs and going down the slide. She also experienced some of the little kid rides at Lagoon. At first she was a bit apprehensive but she warmed up to them and began to have fun - or "pun" as she called it today.

Jace's favorite experience was very predictable and as endearing as ever. Lagoon has this train that loops a little lake. It's been there forever - I remember it when I was a kid. Jace was all smiles as he experienced it. He leaned on the railing and looked out to the lake as we passed in a smiling contented silence. Jace also got into some of the rides too. He is just tall enough to experience some of the more tame roller coasters and he loved it. At one point I was able to go with him in this little water luge ride and when we splashed down at the end he was jumping up and down with excitement wanting to do it again.

Ethan was quite a thrill-seeker. He went on his first big person water slide and loved it so much that he did it another three times. He also went on a total of five roller coaster rides. One of them was the Wild Mouse coaster which he and I rode together. This one scared him a bit. When he came off of that one, Alicia said he looked sad and he was clinging to my leg. Oh well, he enjoyed the rest. It was a lot of fun to enjoy some rides with him by my side.

Finally Emily's favorite was also swimming. Em's big enough that we were comfortable with her leaving our direct supervision to allow her to swim in the big person pools and the lazy river. She seemed to love the big person pool and she played in there for extended periods of time. Em wasn't too excited about the roller coasters and she opted out of many of them when it came time to choose who would ride but she loved the water.

We stayed until the park closed alternating turns picking attractions to experience and we ended with some bumper cars and then made our way for the gates as the excitement of the day began to wear off and our kids bodies started to limp. We weren't 5 miles down the freeway before all of them were sound asleep in the van. I remember doing the very same thing when I went to Lagoon as a kid. Finally we tucked them into bed and they were snoring before we left the room.

As Alicia and I lay in our bed, I thumbed through the pictures and videos of the day with my head full of new happy memories and my hopes high that the rest of my family had the same thing.

Vacationing Space

The size of our family is now to the point where a regular hotel room simply doesn't cut it. We actually knew this two years ago but today was the first time we actually got a two bedroom room. Alicia, Ben and I were in one room and Em, Ethan, Jace and Claire were in the other with a shared kitchen and family room between. It was worth the cost.

The occasion prompting this hotel stay is a little summertime trip. We're planning to go to Lagoon tomorrow and today we went swimming and to a movie as a family. I love these trips and I think the kids do too. And now we know that saving a few extra dollars for a bigger room is worth it, we're better prepared for the next one.

One Year Without Mom

A year ago today Mom died. As I got out of bed this morning, I went straight to the window to see how similar the skies would be to the morning that she died. As I got ready for the day, I reflected on how I felt then and how profound it was to see her pass on. And as I knelt at her headstone later this afternoon, I reflected how that in the year that has passed since then, I've thought differently about death, life, Jesus Christ and even my Mom herself.

When Mom died, it was a holy experience. The feeling in the room was thick - so much so that talking or even quick movement was somehow inappropriate. It was a very reverent and peaceful passing as she quietly slipped away with nothing more than a blink and a final breath. From that point on I saw death differently. I am aware that not every passing is like this but within the environment that I experienced, I saw death as a blessing. My beliefs about what happens after we die were also strengthened. I have felt several assurances over the last year that Mom still lives - just in a spirit form. Sometimes I wonder if she sees me and the life I'm living. I wonder if she's happy with what she sees. It's a great comfort to believe that the soul lives on. Additionally, it's enlightening to think that learning and progression (link to previous post) continue. I imagine that Mom is happier and has more opportunities to learn and grow now that she's passed on from the sicknesses of her final years.

Since Mom's death, I've seen life as more fleeting and temporary. I remember a morning shortly after Mom's death when I was riding the train to work. I looked the faces of strangers around me and imagined how they might experience death. It sounds really morbid but it caused me to realize that extended years on earth are not an entitlement and anyone could go at any time. I imagined that most of those I saw that day were not even thinking about death and therefore were not conscious of the precious gift of life. I often have the same limited perspective. But there are times that I remember and treat life as the gift that it is.

Experiencing Mom's death put my soul on a more reflective course and it was one of the dominoes that fell in a series of experiences and thoughts to lead me to a greater understanding of the love of Jesus Christ - and a certain knowledge that he exists. This knowledge is an anchor to my soul and anything leading up to that deserves gratitude.

Finally, I've learned about Mom. To my knowledge, her final act of willpower before she died was to request a blessing after her fall. I was honored to offer that blessing. She had great faith. In her final days - even up to the very end she recognized me and would welcome me with a smile. I saw in this her love not only for me but for my siblings and children. After she died I had opportunity to reflect on and hear about some of her shortcomings. It's very difficult to properly categorize Mom's positive and negative actions into the either the illness or personality categorizations so I've decided to leave that to God and I choose to look at the good she did and was. That conscious decision has made all the difference. I feel that I see her in similar ways that God sees her. God loves all of us - faults and all. He is always encouraging us to improve and be better because he sees our potential. As I've chosen to love Mom, I get glimpses of her ongoing potential. It's odd but sometimes I feel like she can feel my love for her and it somehow helps her realize this potential.

I am more than at peace with my Mom's passing. I've been blessed through the experience - and I believe Mom has been too.

One Car Family

After three years of being a two-car family, we're now back to one. We're doing this so we can have enough budget for our student loan which comes due next month. Today I watched as a college student drove away in our car after having paid us $8,500.

Almost immediately, we felt the inconvenience of being a one car family. Tomorrow is a family reunion and Alicia and Joe had plans of going to Salt Lake City for a farmer's market. We were talking about our plans this afternoon and suddenly we realized that it was not possible and our plans had to change.

So, as soon as our budgets can take it, we'll get another car but until then, we're adapt.

"The Trials that Come With Age"

I consider my Dad to be a very strong person. He has a belief in God and an optimism that all things will work together for our good. As I visited him tonight he told me of how he's been working every day - ever since the stroke. In addition to physical therapy, when he lies in bed, he is often exerting great mental effort to try to move his left leg or arm. Sometimes even in conversation he'll lose focus on you and look to the railing on the right side of his bed. I learned tonight that when he's doing that he's focusing on that railing and telling his mind to grab it with the left hand.

He said that this whole experience has been very exhausting mentally because of that. He added a few seconds later that it was also spiritually exhausting. Upon further questioning, he revealed that he sometimes feels rejected of God because of this stroke. I need to ask him why. This has been a discouraging time for him. However, he keeps working to improve and love others and be positive.

I said that I have no idea how he must be feeling. "That's good," he responded. But I expect that I may have to deal with similar challenges at some point so I'm interested in learning as much as I can to prepare. I recently read something which pertains to this.

"In the priesthood we share the sacred duty to labor for the souls of men. We must do more than learn that this is our duty. It must go down into our hearts so deeply that neither the many demands on our efforts in the bloom of life nor the trials that come with age can turn us from that purpose." (Henry B. Eyring, April 2011 General Conference)

I'm in the many demands stage of life. Dad is in the trials that come with age stage. It's important to learn from how Dad is feeling but I'm realizing now after including this quote that I learn more from how he continues to labor for the benefit of others. His greetings, his inquiries about others welfare, his genuine interest, his love.

Visiting Grandpa

I'm pleased to report that Dad is recovering well. The Emily, Ethan, Jason, Claire, Joe and I visited him at the rehabilitation wing of the hospital this evening. He's coherent, he speaks well, smiles and jokes, can feed himself and his gaining mobility. Last week the swelling in his brain finally stopped and he was sent to the rehab wing on Thursday. He could be there for several weeks - even months. We all have high hopes of him regaining strength and returning to most of the ability he had previously. I don't know if walking is possible but it would sure be wonderful.

When I took the kids to visit him in ICU last week they were a little spooked seeing him lay on his hospital bed with wires and monitors all around him. Today he was sitting up in his bed with not even an IV hooked up to him and the kids reacted much better to him. Claire was still reluctant to succumb to Grandpa's attempts to make her smile but everyone else was much more comfortable. I'm excited to see if this stroke thing will slow Grandpa down enough that he'll be able to spend a bit more time with his grandkids. That'd be great.

Celebrating Ben

Ben's first birthday was two days ago but we were all too sick to celebrate it so we had the party today. Ben devoured his birthday cupcake with the kind of messy gusto we had hoped for with all the rest of the kids. Chocolate cake crumbs where pasted by chocolate frosting to his face, arms, hands, high-chair, hair, everywhere. Funny thing is, some of our other kids haven't outgrown this. Claire, Jason and even Emily had a bit of desert face after eating.

Ben is a happy little boy. He smiles frequently and when tickled or basking in attention from someone (that's not very often in a seven person home) he has an adorable laugh. I look forward to getting to know his personality more as he continues to develop over the coming years.

Flu

So that sickness thing that started at the Hoen cabin has blossomed into a full-force epidemic in the Christensen house. In the course of the last two days all eight of us have gotten the flu. This morning was particularly awful because Joe, Alicia, and I were too sick to help out with the kids so they were free to eat snacks all day, play the Wii on Sunday and stay in pajamas. I helped them with vital needs but other than that, we were all down.

This is the sickest I've been in 20 years. I'll spare you the details but let me just say that it was ... nevermind.

The Last Hoen Cabin Trip

We've been very fortunate to be given permission to use the Hoen (a related family to Jen's Husband) Cabin from time to time. We had Dad's 70th Birthday weekend up there and various other getaways. But it seems like every time we go there we either get sick on the way or on the way back. Today Ethan threw up in the van on the way up, then Claire threw up twice at the cabin. We decided to not stay and Claire threw up again on the way home. Then Jace tossed his dinner as soon as we get out of the car in our garage. Not a fun evening.

But puking patterns aside, the cabin is falling into a bit of disrepair. Tonight there was an ant infestation in 2 of the 4 upstairs bedrooms and the fridge wasn't working. It's a wonderful location and has such great potential as being a peaceful, and fun getaway spot. It just needs a good resealing, exterior touch up, reflooring, remodeling, refurnishing, pretty much re-everything and it's ready to go.

Being With the Team

In the context of all the stressing out I've been doing about my job lately, it was really nice to spend some fun time with the team today. We have a monthly goal setting and for the first time in three months we finally made it to our team goal so we had a BBQ up on the roof of our office building to celebrate. Additionally, we also had a music competition. There were about 8 acts that performed everything from joke songs to original compositions.

After it was all done, I noticed that I felt differently. The whole atmosphere in the office felt better. People were laughing, talking and planning a little more than they usually do. It's very difficult to justify little breathers like this in a business sense but experiences like these illustrate that there is something to the principles of team celebration, and getting to know each other better in a personal way - not just a business way.

In fact, I think that might be the key reason why this was good therapy today. I saw people a little bit more as people today. I saw some of their talents and was able to interact with them in a non-business way. That interaction provided better context to the business interaction that followed.

Jace's Birthday

Little Jace is turning 4 today. He's been looking forward to today for weeks and now he gets his Thomas party, a hot wheels toy, and a new Thomas train set and he's in his own brand of heaven.

For some reason, I remember Jace very well as a baby. My memory of the other kids' infancy is not so sharp. I remember his tons of brown hair combed down over his head, his temperamental tummy problems, and his big brown/green eyes. I contrast the Jace of today to that little infant and I am amazed at how much he's grown. Jace is such a cute kid. When he's not in a shouting volley with Claire, he's a very adorable, sweet and special boy.

Last year, Jason got used to referring to himself as Jason, a good boy. He insists to this day that his full name is Jason, a good boy. Even when registering for preschool, he introduced himself to the school staff as Jason, a good boy. And he really is.

Mistakes are Goldmines

There have been times in my life when I have made mistakes (usually selfish behavior that hurts others), felt some degree of remorse, tried to correct the mistake and then move on with greater determination and strength. That cycle is often very difficult but if I choose to learn and apply, they can make me a better person.

Faith in Jesus Christ is a great help in this. I have faith that he can heal the personal effects of mistakes - whether they be mine or someone else's. I've seen three ways so far that His teachings provide greater context and meaning to life. First, eternal progression. One of the main doctrines of Christianity is that death is not the end of this life. The LDS faith adds another layer to that in stating that the purpose of our existence - both body and soul - is to eternally learn and develop. All that we experience in life is meant to contribute to that overall purpose. This is reflected in a verse from the Book of Mormon: "...Thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain." (2 Nephi 2:2) This gives mistakes meaning and, if overcome, they become an investment in our eternal identity.

Which brings me to another point of Christianity which helps me - the doctrine that I am a spirit child of God. Because I was created in His image, I have seeds of His greatness in me. If all I had were my own experiences, thoughts, and desires then I wouldn't have much to stand on. But I'm better than that and I feel it. I feel that I have potential and talents that God has given me and that drives me forward.

Finally, His love. I know He lives and loves me because I have felt it. This love creates a sort of divine assistance that provides encouragement and strength in times of weakness and affliction. It motivates me to keep going and try harder to be a good man.

These three things, eternal progression, personal divine identity, and God's love unfetter my life from mistakes that would otherwise be laborious and decaying to happiness. Overcoming mistakes through these perspectives propels me higher, farther and better than I would have had I never made the mistake at all.

Firework Show

Once in high school and another time during college I put on a big firework show where I interacted with the fireworks and did crazy stuff like bonfires and gasoline. I remember both shows were quite a success and had quite the attendance. This year, in a very last minute decision, I put on another show for my family who came over this evening for a BBQ. I stacked our unused retaining blocks in a pyramid shape and created a firework show with arial shots, fountains, and gasoline burns. I set the whole thing to music and, as usual, got a few burns through the show as I went from fuze to fuze trying to keep the show going.

I've included a video below so that you too can laugh at me.

Maybe I Don't Like My Job

Here's another thought to add to the mix: I know that my stress is coming from work. I've really liked my job and having a team to take care of and autonomy to make decisions. But perhaps some of the hidden weight is simply that deep down, this job isn't a good fit for me. I've recently been exploring other employment opportunities at Disney and Pixar and I wonder if those types of jobs would work better for me.

Something's gotta give here soon. I need to figure out what's wrong.

Joe's Visit

In the midst of all this drama with my Dad's help, we have a welcome visitor staying with us in our home> Alicia's youngest brother Joe is visiting from Canada for a month. He arrived yesterday much to the elation of our visitor hungry children. The last time we had one of Alicia's brothers with us for an extended period, he got really bored and ended up leaving way early. This time, Joe has to deal with just the opposite - five little kids running around, very excited to spend any time possible with him. If anything, we won't be bored, he'll be overwhelmed while he's here.

But we're hoping that he'll enjoy this trip despite the adjustment of going from a home where you're the youngest of a quiet house with no other siblings, to a place where five little people are boisterously running around the house every day like Oompa Loompas. Hope he survives.

But tonight as a nice kick-off to his trip. We participated in a Canada Day parade through out neighborhood. We had out car decked out with baloons and maple leaf shapes and the whole family got into throwing candy to kids on the side of the road.