Getting to Know Em

The thought occurred to me recently that my attention tends to focus more on my younger kids and not on Emily. A sad image of her wanting to feel accepted but not finding full acceptance in my relationship with her flashed through my brain. That may be jumping to conclusions but if there's any bit of truth to that then I'm not serving my daughter the way that I should.

So tonight I took her out on a date with that in mind and we had a wonderful time. We got some ice cream and then drove down to Orem to see Dad. We talked the whole way there and back and here's what I learned about Em:

• She felt a sense of accomplishment that the family enjoyed her work in the "Mall" yesterday.
• She likes to take care of the younger kids on Sunday.
• She likes to make her brothers laugh by being silly when playing legos.
• She knows that Claire loves it when she plays dress-up with her.
• When she draws a picture, the plans it out in her head first by picking the options of what to draw, then visualizing it and then just drawing what's in her head.
• She likes to plan things
• She did a good job in accomplishing her goal of reading all of Matthew in the Bible.
• She likes to see Ben laugh when Mom plays with him.
• She is very responsive to feedback (I challenged her at the beginning of the drive back to practice listening to people and asking questions and immediately she asked my question after question about my youth.)

I often say that Emily is a remarkable person but I think you can see some of the evidence of her character above. I love her and am so glad that she's in our family.

Simple Family Sundays

Sunday afternoons are a really interesting time in our house. Because we try to give time for rest and reflection on Sunday, it cuts out much of the usual busyness of our lives. After church, Alicia and I will often retire to the bedroom for reading, personal history work or napping (usually the latter). Ben and Claire go down for their afternoon nap, and the other kids will play together with legos, build forts, make up shows, or create pretend places. I'm amazed at the creativity and good will the blossoms in them when the TV gets turned off.

Today the whole family participated in what they built. Emily had made a mall in the family room. She was the information desk and Ethan built his own station for the restaurant. So I made some dinner upstairs packed up individual rubbermaid trays and drinks and sent them downstairs. Each family member went to Emily's information kiosk and then Ethan's restaurant to get their dinner. Then we all sat down to eat on a blanket in the family room while watching family movies from the summer.

Afterwards we made caramel popcorn balls upstairs and then piled all the kids on the couch to read a story before bed.

It was a wonderful evening with everyone. I hope that the kids will remember this night and maybe others like it and have fond memories of their growing-up years at home. I know that I'll remember these nights too.

Steve and Sarah's Stay

Alicia's Brother Steve and his wife Sarah have been on a trip to California to see Sarah's family this last few weeks and right now they're spending a few days with our family. I love it when Alicia gets a chance to see and be around her family since it doesn't happen very often. This year has been an anomaly with Joe for a whole month, this couple day visit with Steve and Sarah and an upcoming three-week visit in October with Alicia's parents. It's been great for Alicia.

And it's also been great for our kids to get to know some more family. They too look forward to these visits - even if it doesn't involve someone of similar age. This particular visit allows the kids to better get to know Ryan. Tonight I sat on the porch as the sun was fading behind the west mountains and watch Ethan, Ryan and Claire playing a tag game. The night before Steve and I took them to the park nearby and watched them play and ride scooters, big wheels (or whatever they're called now), and bikes. It's great to see them sharing time and building relationships like this.

I hope that when Steve, Sarah and Ryan leave tomorrow that they will have positive memories of their stay. And I trust that our kids will have the same.

The Right Harbor

There has been a perplexing problem at work lately. The team I lead is made up of several small teams. Two of them are geographically removed from me and the rest of the portfolio and one of these two teams has had some recent missteps and as a result my trust in them has diminished to the point where I needed to talk with them and the customer that they support about discontinuing that team. Trust between the customer and the department for which I work hasn't been strong over the years so this conversation had lots of baggage.

I've had a difficult time approaching conversations that I know are going to result in an emotional reaction but I'm learning that if correction is needed, an initial negative reaction is not only likely but often good. That reaction can lead to a greater buy-in and high performance in the end. I'm learning that the measurement of success in confronting issues isn't a calm sea for the entire voyage, it's reaching the right harbor over the horizon.

Renewed Faith

Most weeks when we visit Dad in his care facility, the whole family comes. But today I was there alone. This provided an opportunity for me to sit down with Dad and talk in a more focused way. We talked the small stuff and then I talked to him about how I was concerned with how he was doing. According to Susan, he's been a bit depressed lately - even to the point of planning out his funeral.

In the middle of this conversation, a few men in suits showed up. They introduced themselves as a former Church leader (Bishop), a neighbor, and a current Church leader (Stake President). Dad was very happy to see them. The neighbor was very encouraging to Dad. He talked about his daughter who suffered an aneurism in her brain three years ago and lost her motor skills. Since that time, she' has recovered nearly 85% - enough that she is able to attend college in another state independently. He urged Dad to be patient and hopeful.

Then the Stake President spoke up saying the he understood that Dad wanted a blessing. Dad verified this and we wheeled his chair from the patio to his room where these three men and I stood around Dad with hands on his head to offer the blessing. The Stake President gave the blessing. He said Dad can find meaning for this challenge by looking at it through an eternal perspective. He acknowledged that Dad has had a lifetime of serving and now he is presented with the opportunity to accept service from others. And finally he promised Dad healing as he (and others around him) exercise faith in Jesus Christ.

I was impressed by the service that was offered and the uplifting, hopeful and faith inspiring messages that were shared. The men left after a few more minutes of talking and then Dad and I spoke a bit more. I remembered a scripture I read a few weeks earlier and shared it with him.

"Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord." - D&C 98:3

So I asked him what good he's seen. He responded that he's learned more about the power of prayer. He cited how this has helped Susan to grow and learn. And he said that he's received confirmation about the love of his family.

Seems like whatever the experience, good or bad, there is always some healing or teaching purpose in it. That's the way I felt about Mom. The trick is have faith that it's there and then simply to find it.

My faith in Dad's recovery is renewed from my last post about it. And even if he doesn't get back to the goal he mentioned tonight of being able to walk back into Church, there's healing and learning in this - I'm sure of it. 

Big Family, Less Work?

Alicia and I have tried a few times to get our kids engaged in the maintaining of the house and what usually happens is we do some push, then lose steam and go back to us (most Alicia) cleaning everything and getting occasional help from the kids.

Over the last several weeks Alicia has been thinking about this and wanting to distribute the work of the home better. Additionally, she and I want to give the kids opportunity to just just grow up sitting around and doing homework but actually learning how to work and better skills. So Alicia has put together this weekly job chart that will assist with this. It's been really great to see how this has gone. Most times the kids have been willing to do their jobs and when they aren't we go through the whining and complaining drama and eventually they get it and start doing their work. Alicia called me earlier this week and mentioned that now that the kids are helping with the house more, she finds that she has a lot more time.

Having a big family requires a lot of work but if we can learn how to share that work as a family, then it's not overwhelming. I think that's what Alicia has discovered and it feels true to me too.

Ethan the Peacemaker

Every night at dinner I ask the kids what they learned in the day. Emily usually talks about something she learned in a class or sometimes she shares an insightful lesson. Jace and Claire still aren't quite getting the question and they end up reciting the events of the day. And it's usually quite difficult to extract something out of Ethan. But tonight he surprised us.

He said that he learned about being a peacemaker. He said that's someone who helps others to stop fighting and helps other people feel good. He said, "You're a peacemaker, Dad. You help us kids to not fight." And he complimented Mom similarly. I would have felt good about that except that Emily chimed in with "Yeah, he says Emily, Ethan stop fighting right now!" Dang it.

But anyway Ethan said he wants to be a peacemaker because it helps people be happy. I'm so amazed at Ethan's good heart. He does fight a lot with his siblings and he seems to love to get reactions from people but he has thoughtful, reflective moments like this that give a window into who he really is. He's a good kid.

Offroading in a Minivan

We got all ready for Church this morning with Sunday best and a diaper bag packed with all sorts of toys, books, coloring, and snacks and then got everyone packed in the van and realized that today's Church (a two hour general meeting held once a year) was not going to work for our kids who were showing extra signs of moodiness and irritability today. So instead, Alicia and I decided to listen to talks in the car and take the kids for a drive.

We began our journey thinking that we'd go to Grandma's gravesite and then visit Grandpa but plans changed as I we approached the mountains around Orem and I thought it might be nice to take the kids instead to a valley overlook on the east mountains.

The road to that point is all paved and I've been there several times so no one had any concerns. But as I approached that point, I thought about how there's a road that leads deeper into the woods that I have a faint recollection of traveling only once when I was a kid. Whenever I've attempted previously, it's always been closed off because of snow but now, it is the end of Summer. Surely it would be open now! So, I talked to Alicia about it and told her about a lookout point I remembered and that I'd like to take the kids there. She agreed and we went. The pavement road turned into a dirt one. But it was well kept and very traversable in our van.

We drove for about 30 minutes enjoying the wildflowers and trees and meadows. It was really quite beautiful. Then we reached the lookout point I remembered (the pictures of the family show that in background). We had enjoyed the trip so far so we thought we'd go on. A few minutes later, we reached a point where a sign instructed us that from this point on, passenger vehicle travel is not recommended. We had been on that road for over an hour and the thought of traversing the same path back was not appealing. Besides, I knew that this road eventually lead out another canyon on the south side of Utah Valley and I was curious to see it. So on the condition that if the road got too bad we'd turn around, we went forward.

At first it was very doable. We were deep in the forest and tall pine trees surrounded us. The kids seemed to be enjoying it at this point. We opened the windows at one point to let the mountain air in and I commented that it smelled good. Jason, from the back seat stated, "Yes. It smells like peanuts." We stopped a few times to stretch our legs and pick some wildflowers and then drove some more talking happily from the safety of our van about bears, poisonous flowers, rough roads and other hazards of the forest.

Then we excited a heavily wooded area and the road started to get rougher. We were another hour down the road by now so there was no cashing in on the offer to turn around if the road got rough so we just continued. The car jostled around and we hit a few rocks with the undercarriage of the car. Alicia and I were no longer relaxed into our seats, we were leaning forward straining to see details of the road before us. Alicia would speak out directions on which rocks to avoid as we crawled along the road at less than 5 mph trying simply to get through this ordeal. We continued this way for another hour.

We didn't see many people on that road but those we did see (all of them in trucks or ATVs) looked at us like we were crazy. Finally, the road dropped in elevation and the road conditions improved until we at last met back up with pavement. Alicia and I gave each other five for having survived it and Ethan spoke up from the mid-row that this was the "Worst Sunday Ever." But we're alive.

I don't think my kids will trust me anymore when I suggest that we go for a drive. They've had the "Getting Lost" experience and now this.

Best Rejection Ever

Emily has been taking more of an interest in after school programs lately, she's had some interest in cheer and music programs and on Tuesday of this week she tried out for a music group. Emily's wiring is pretty shy and timid but she pulled together the determination to practice and the courage to perform in front of those who would judge her performance. That alone is reason to be proud. But today she topped that when the results came through and she was not selected. Typically, she is easily upset when things don't go as she hope they will. But at dinner this evening she said with a smile that she didn't make it.

"You wouldn't be smiling if you didn't make it. You're joking," I said.

"No I really didn't make it."

"Then why the smile?"

"There will be another chance to do that later on," she said. 

Alicia and I were both shocked at this level of mature thinking from her. Not that it's out of character for her, she just hasn't gotten to that stage of emotional development yet. We're very impressed with her.

Retaining Wall Is Done!

After five years (or so) of buying blocks, moving earth, changing our minds, buying more blocks, moving more earth, changing our minds again, building the wall, and moving even more earth, the backyard retaining wall is finally done today. I took three days off last week and worked half of a day today to get it done and it's glorious to see it completed.

I don't know how many hours I've spent in the backyard but it's got to be totaling up nearing 1,000 hours. It will be so amazing to see it all finished.