First New Year's Eve

Emily had her first New Year's Eve party tonight. She was invited to Ali Draper's house for a late-over tonight. She watched the Time Square ball drop (I wonder if Dick Clark is dead yet), banged pots and pans and had late night snacks. She reported that she had a good time. As for the rest of the kids, they all went to bed at 8.

I imagine that Emily will want to stay up for New Years from here on since she's had this experience. Our fuddy-duddy ways of going to bed early on New Years Eve may be coming to an end for a while.

Glad she had fun though.

A Really Big Birthday Party for Em

Emily turned 9 today and Alicia mentioned later that in three short years, she'll enter the Young Women's program. Both facts are a shocker to me. It has been a long time since she's been a baby but the new experiences that present themselves to our family as she grows older seem to come faster than we anticipate them.

We gave her a pretty grown-up gift today. She got her own iPod and a music download gift card for her to use in filling it up. She seemed pretty excited about that.

And today was the day of the Christensen Christmas party. We celebrated Em and Noelle's birthday and also had a nice soup and roll dinner and also exchanged Christmas presents from each family.

The character of this party was quite different from previous Christmas parties. Seems like after Christmas, everyone is a little more available. We had the whole family there - even Ali, Mike and their new baby Milo. And several of us hung out for hours after the meal was done. In previous parties, we would eat, play a game or two, sing a song and then rush out. It was nice to have a contrast. Even Jen, who was reluctant to change the party from Christmas Eve, agreed that this was much better.

Looks like we might have a new tradition in the works. I sure Em won't mind since it becomes a big party on her birthday.

Christmas Day

With the kids in our room last night, Alicia and I got limited sleep. We discovered that Jace talks in his sleep and that our kids toss and turn quite a bit. They got up around 6 and then watched a movie on my work laptop until Claire woke up too.

The opening of Christmas presents today was quite nice. We opened a few then let the kids play a bit then open a few more. By the time we were done, the basement was covered in stockings, wrapping paper, toys, candy, and macositic packaging devices designed to pinch, cut and frustrate the hands that try to retrieve the items they house.

Emily got the roller skates and Zhu Zhu Pets she asked Santa for. Ethan got his claw toy from Santa and some legos but not the Nintendo DS he asked of Santa. He was vocally disappointed and it was the first time Alicia and I have been confronted with Christmas morning ingratitude. We both talked to him about it afterwards. Jace was all about trains. He got a Thomas blanket, and a train playset which he was elated with. Claire got some dress-up shoes and a few dolls. She too enjoyed her gifts. It was the funnest to watch her open gifts because she was always so excited to open them and so happy with what was inside - even if it was pajamas. And then there was Ben. He got some clothes and a few toys but all he really cared about was sleep and formula.

Alicia gave me a new dress coat for me to wear to work. I've been wanting one of these for a very long time so this was a very nice gift. She also was thoughtful enough to request a copy of my Mom's patriarchal blessing and had that with an angel ornament on my tree. Additionally, she made a recipe book of my Mom's recipes. A very thoughtful Christmas from her.

This afternoon we went to Dad and Susan's and did a bit more playing and gifting there too. This year Susan seemed really rushed to get us out the door. But despite that, we had a nice time there and the kids loved their gifts.

Christmas Eve

For the past 11 years there has always been a Christensen family party on Christmas Eve. But this year, Tam and family were working on Christmas Eve and Whitley, who was visiting home from her first year in college in Nebraska, really wanted to see the family. So we moved the party to the day after Christmas. As a result, Alicia and I and our kids had Christmas Eve to ourselves and we didn't really know what to do with it!

We had a big ham dinner at home and ended up with Julie joining us. Julie had to drop off her kids at a Nance celebration that she didn't really want to attend since Richard was there, So we still did a sort of extended family thing. But this one was much more laid back.

To cap off the evening after Julie left each of the kids opened up their Christmas Eve pajamas and a Disneyland themed Candyland game. Then we talked about Jesus being the light and hope of the world before we tucked them in on the one night of the year when we allow them to sleep in our room.

Alicia's traditional Christmas Eve cookie plate.

Emily and Ethan are very excited for tomorrow. I think Jace is more excited about sleeping in our room than anything else. And Claire and Ben don/t really recognize what's in store.

I look forward to seeing how tomorrow goes.

A Job to Help People

I love my job. And a big part of what I love is in helping people. My days are often spent in meetings or specific organziational tasks and sometimes it gets so busy that I my monthly one-on-one meetings with my team (24 and counting) can feel like a nuisance but when I do those and I listen to what people are needing and then advise, help, council or get things done for them, it's wonderful.

Today I listened to concerns voiced by one team member regarding a plan I had initiated. Based on his valuable feedback, I was presented with a different perspective and as a result changed the plan of action. This course correction felt very right and would never have happened if that individual didn't speak up and I didn't listen.

And a few days ago, I listened to the concerns of another team member who was worried about her job status. I could see it was a big deal for her so I stepped out of the interview to talk to the person who could clear it up for her, resolved it and reported back to her. She was so happy and releaved that she started crying.

Pretty cool job.

A Good Jar of Chocolate

Several weeks ago, Alicia and I noticed that our kids were being super crabby and fighting with each other. We wanted to come up with some way to help them find more joy in serving and helping each other so we got a glass vase and every time they did something kind or helpful, they got a chocolate. The prize for a full vase was a new game for our Wii. Tonight they finally filled the vase after several weeks and got the prize.

I think this really worked – especially for Ethan. He is calmer in his tone, kinder in his interactions with his siblings and listens better (not perfect, mind you, but better). When it was all done, it felt great to call the kids' attention to the jar full of chocolates and tell them that this is a lot of good they have done and Heavenly Father is pleased with them.

LDS Website Recognition Dinner

Elder Andersen visiting our table

In working for the LDS Church I often get to attend meetings and devotionals where the ecclesiastical leaders speak and direct. It's a privilege to do this and tonight I got to share one of these meetings with Alicia. We were invited to an LDS.org recognition dinner where the surprise visiting leader turned out to be Elder Anderson from the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. After a nice conversation with a few people at my table, we heard a few remarks from Dave Clare, whom I worked with in ICS when I was in Riverton.

Dave expressed specific appreciation for every contributor at the dinner and when he got to me, he said some very kind things about me being a humble leader who mended strained relationships between ICS and AVD. I have been uncertain about how I positively contributed to LDS.org while in Riverton so it was valuable to me to hear his perspective.

Then Elder Anderson stood and addressed us. He made several points worth noting:

• In the coming years the voice proclaiming that Jesus is the Christ will become increasingly diminished. We need to be sure that the website communicates this very well.
• You have to pass through complexity to get to simplicity. 
• Our work is acceptable to the Lord. This is huge coming from one authorized to speak in the name of the Lord. I couldn't keep my eyes from welling up at this statement. I want very much for my efforts to be acceptable to Him.

Babysitters are Saints

It's so important to go on dates. I've been told this and I've believed it in the past but after going to Disneyland, I really understand why it's such a big deal. Before that time it felt like Alicia and I were sort of in different places. We were so rushed, so busy, so concerned, so distracted from each other that we were beginning to drift apart. Then Disneyland came and it felt like one giant date. It took a few days but we got back on the same page and since that time, we've been blessed with good people who have been willing to babysit for us on a weekly basis - allowing us to keep this up.

One of those good people is Norma. She has come over most weekends since we've gotten back and the kids love her. She's like a grandmother to them - spoiling them with a treat and an activity every time she comes. Tonight she tucked the boys in and they both told her that they loved her. Norma said this warmed her heart. And on our side of things, we were able to do some Christmas shopping and go to Chili's for a dessert. It's a win win situation.

I would like to babysit for our kids too so that they can have dates to keep their marriages strong.

Another Chance to Speak

It seems like it's been years since I gave a talk in Church. I felt like I really messed up the last one a few years ago so I was really excited to get the assignment to speak again today. I approached this assignment with much more reverence than I did the last. As a result, the Spirit helped me communicate the message. The talk was on the grateful heart and I learned that peace, humility and repentance come from true gratitude. If we're saying thanks and not feeling those things then something needs to be fixed. I was also reminded about how my life has been blessed when I have been thankful and noticed that which I have instead of that which I didn't have. I was really blessed to be able to speak today.

Very, Very Long Conference Drive

If you ask Ethan, he’ll tell you that I got the family “lost in the mountains” today. The truth of the matter was that I wasn’t lost at all. I was just taking them further away from home than we all originally anticipated.

While listening to General Conference we drove out to Heber for a picnic, then east to Strawberry Reservoir for a little wading in the water, then east further in search for a road that would lead us south and west back to Utah Valley through Spanish Fork canyon. We were driving for a total of 9 hours and the kids were tired and hungry by the end of it.

I was a little selfish in dragging my family along for a drive that pretty much just I was interested in taking. I felt bad for that but at least in the pictures we look like we were having fun! And Alicia was a good sport about it too.

First Day of School

I have memories of taking Emily to her first day of school a few years ago. She was so excited to get started. Ethan got a new backpack a few days ago and he packed his own stuff in it today, got dressed in his school uniform and headed off. I love seeing that kid’s smile and today he had plenty of that smile to share. He’s growing up and this day is a milestone in his growth into what he’ll eventually become.

And for Emily, will you look at how big she is this year? I’m told that a lot of the other kids think she’s a 5th grader. We’re proud of her and so pleased with her excitement about school. As long as she has that attitude, she’d do so well.

Jason the Good Boy

Jace is increasing in sweetness as he grows. Today he took Claire in the umbrella stroller down Pear Place and back. He and Claire usually fight so it was very sweet of him to do this. From time to time I'll see him do something to care for others without being asked and whenever I do, I tell him that he's a good boy.

"No," he corrects me. "I'm Jason, the good boy."

Mom's Funeral

Tam slept over last night in preparation for the funeral this morning and in the business of the morning, I noticed that she was off on her own and silent. I went over to her and hugged her.

“I don’t know if I’m ready for today,” she said. I knew how she felt.

At the Church this morning Dave and I were there when the casket arrived. We wheeled her into the Relief Society room and opened the casket. After a quick glance, Dave said these viewings are morbid and left the room as quickly as he could. Mom looks so much better than she did a week ago. They filled in her previously sunken cheeks and face. Her hair was all done up the way she always liked it and she looked peaceful.

Julie offered a prayer then we all said final goodbyes before the casket was closed. This was a tearful point for all of us. But the day wasn’t over yet.

At the funeral service itself Dave provided a life sketch, Tam a tribute, Julie a Poem, me a video of her life and Jen a talk. A few thoughts struck me during the services:

• Dave mentioned that Mom had been gone for so long that he doesn’t believe Julie and I really knew the real Mom. Before when he’s said this, I think I’ve dismissed it. But I think he’s right. This was emphasized later in the tribute Tam offered. Tam talked about a whole bunch of Mom stuff I never saw.
• Jen gave a great talk in which she made the point of illustrating through Mom’s life the danger of judging too quickly and finding the good in people. What a wonderful point! I later put some thought to this and realized that over the past week, I’ve been seeing new parts of my Mom - good things like her faith and love.

I broke down during my video. (I wish I could post it but I used a copyrighted song and can’t post it to YouTube. I have it in my collection at home if anyone wants to see it.) Several people complimented me on the video.

The pallbearers (Dave, me, Mark, Alex, Richard and Steve) put Mom into the hurse and the company then travelled down to the Provo cemetery for the internment. There I said a few comments and then dedicated the grave. A few thoughts here as well:

• It has been difficult to find meaning and purpose in Mom’s captivity to illness, fear and and pain. But over the last few weeks I’ve realized that all effects of the fall can help lead us to faith in Christ. If all that Mom’s gone through leads her or any of the rest of us to faith in Christ then it’s worth it.
• Christ is the true source of healing, hope, freedom and peace. He provides not only the hope of resurrection but also the hope of meaningful life
• Mom’s grave will be a holy place of peace, healing and hope.

The local ward provided a lunch for the guests of the funeral. This turned out to be quite the celebration. Mom’s memorabilia was spread over the front of the stage and families gathered to laugh and talk and comfort and love each other. I was actually surprised at how good I felt when it was all done. I half expected to be an emotional wreck but I wasn’t. None of us were.

The family was told at several points that the funeral was perfect for Mom. I was certainly glad to hear that and judging by the way all of us kids were interacting with each other and feeling by the end of it, I think I agree.

Perhaps Mom thought so too.

Mom's Passing

Early this morning I got up to feed Ben his 2:00 am bottle and texted my sisters to see how things were going with Mom. I found out that her breathing was more labored so I stayed on standby for another few hours when Tam sent another text stating that the aid found that the pulse was unperceivable, her breathing light and her color pale. I left home and arrived at Bel Aire Assisted Living around 4:00 am.

I found Mom just as described and I held her hand, touched her cheek and hair a few times while talking a bit with Tam, Mark and Julie – who had all stayed up all night long. We looked through a few more photo albums together, listened to a bit of music and then there came a point where Mom’s breathing slowed and the feeling in the room changed. Julie had just laid down to rest in a room across the hall so Mark got her. Tam sat by the bedside and held Mom’s hand, Julie sat close by while Mark and I stood, looking on.

As Tam spoke encouragement to Mom to move on, find her Mother and not worry about us, Mom’s breathing slowed. A breath… three seconds of silence. “Thank you, Mom,” I said. Another breath… five seconds of silence. Mom blinked eyes that had remained absolutely motionless in a half-open stare for the last several hours. Another breath. Then silence. We froze in our places waiting to hear another sound from Mom and when none came, it was clear that she had gone. Color left her sunken cheeks and she became completely still.

Each of us were crying in the stillness of the room. Feeling a need to pray privately (not to mention sob), I rushed out of the home and into the night. It was 5:10 am. The stars were out and the dawning sun was just starting to outline the shadowed mountains in a deep blue and purple. No cars or people were around and the night was still. I opened my heart up to Heavenly Father in prayer as I looked up to the stars.

I thanked Father for her and expressed my faith that she would be happier now. I expressed how I would miss her and how I love her. I expressed faith and hope that judgment of her might be balanced with mercy. I don’t know what happened to my Mom and what lead her down her path through mental illness but if she had any fault in it, I pleaded for mercy on her behalf. I also asked Father if he would provide comfort and healing to those of us left behind.

I finished up my prayer, collected myself and went back inside. As we waited for Jen and Dave to show up, I watched her body slowly lose color and fullness in flesh. I touched her shoulder and was amazed at how different her body looked without the spirit in it. She was gone. And my sense of things was that the place she went to must have been really wonderful because I felt the absence of her Spirit too. She had completely moved on. And I can’t say I blame her. It must have been a huge relief to have her spirit back in full function. And to be reunited with her parents and other loved ones – including perhaps the spirit of a child she lost in a miscarriage – must have been wonderful for her.

My siblings and I shared a few more tears and then Mom’s body was taken to the mortuary. At lunch this afternoon, the whole family gathered at my house for some KFC, 7-up and a discussion about funeral arrangements. We’ll have a nice service for her next week.

I’ll miss her. I love her and I look forward to getting to know the real her that has now been released from her body. It’ll be a while yet before I can do this but at least she’s herself again and that’s one step closer to coming to know her.

Effects of a Fall

Driving home from the emergency room tonight at 12:30, my heart and mind was brimming with a conflicting arrangement of emotions and thoughts. Three hours earlier I received a call from Aunt Mary, who, in the absence of Dave and Jen who are camping, authorized the assisted living home to take Mom to the hospital. Mom had a fall a few days ago and the pain resulting from the fall had intensified.

When I arrived at the hospital, Ron and Mary were at her side. I grabbed Mom by the hand as I inspected her injuries. She had a few cuts on her face and a bandaged elbow. I was later shown an x-ray and the bruising on her side. She had broken her pelvis but only with a hairline fracture. Still she was hurting. Typically when she speaks, it’s usually in response to some stimulus – someone asking her a question, something she hears, etc. But tonight, she would twist gingerly in her bed, wince with pain and mutter, “It hurts. It hurts.” without prompting.

Later that evening when she was lifted from the hospital bed to the stretcher for transportation back to Bel Aire Assisted Living, she sat up in fear reaching out for me, calling after me with a pleading of “Where are they taking me?” I stayed by her side in the ambulance to try to calm her fears.

Before they left the emergency room earlier this evening, Ron and I were able to administer a blessing to Mom. I remember two parts of this blessing. One was that despite the ailments of her mind and body, she would know of her family’s love. The second was that she would be made comfortable.

After tucking her into bed at Bel Aire, I began my drive home and opened a prayer in which I asked Heavenly Father again why Mom has to experience such pain, fear and captivity. I was reminded of the blessing I administered in Jesus’ name earlier. Through the merits of the atonement, all negative baggage from this life can be lifted. All of this pain, fear and captivity that Mom is experiencing is a result of the fall and Father’s children need a way to overcome those effects. I noticed a billboard for a company specializing in pain treatment and realized that the only effective treatment is the atonement of Jesus Christ.

The answer to this prayer is not likely something I’ll get completely in this life. But Heavenly Father was merciful to me tonight in allowing me to not only receive but to administer in a potion of the answer to that prayer. Through the Priesthood and power offered through faith in Jesus Christ, pain, fear and captivity can be removed. So, some of the purpose of these things is to lead us to Christ.

I plan to drop by to visit her again after work tomorrow (technically today) and I hope to see evidence of Heavenly Father’s work in progress - reducing the effect of both types of falls.