How Will I Be Remembered?

A few weeks ago, I attended a training given by one of the leaders of the Church for which I work. Elder Oaks challenged the managers and leaders in attendance to give some thought to what they would like to be remembered for. Everyone will leave their current position at some point and when that point comes, what will be the legacy left behind. As I thought about this today, I realized that the thing I am most interested in accomplishing in my current post is to influence or clear the barriers we have to producing meaningful, impactful and inspiring products for the members and leaders of the Church. Ultimately, I seek to make a substantive effort in products that lead people to Christ.

As I've worked in management positions at the Church, I have not often recognized the impact I'm making. I don't doubt that I have made an impact so this isn't a pitiful perspective, it's just that my efforts through the days are more focused on the tasks at hand, and less about the overall purpose. I considered that today and then I knew what needed to do next. Energized about the thought, I stepped off the morning bus a few blocks early so I could walk through downtown and fuel my thinking.  Before we can really influence and put our hearts into these products, our sponsoring departments need to trust us better than they do now.

My pace quickened as I thought of ways we could improve this trust. Finally, I was at speed walker pace by the time I reached the back door of the building. I felt like I was exploding the doors open as I walked into the building and it wasn't 15 minutes before I had an impromptu meeting going with trusted collaborators trying to inspire their minds about what we could do next. By the end of the day a new concept was on my desk with this focus in mind.

Amazing how energizing it is when you put things in proper context.

One Step Forward and Two Back

Dad fell again yesterday. It was the same as the time before where he was left in the bathroom unattended. In previous falls, he has injured his hip - so much so that it's fractured and causes him pain. Now he's hurting in his chest from this fall. The staff there usually takes him out of his room for meals and activities but these injuries have confined him to his bed all day today. That kind of immobility is concerning because (1) it's just not Dad and (2) immobility is what could slow his body down to the point of having other health complications that could ultimately take his life.

We visited Dad tonight just as Susan and Joan were there also. Dad had just choked on a piece of food and Susan was in a panic. Susan pleaded with Dad to cough so that the food could be dislodged and Dad resisted saying that he was fine and that it hurt to cough. The staff helped him clear the food as best they could and then left when they were confident that he was okay. But Susan insisted that he needed to cough more and when he didn't, she left the room in tears.

Alicia was able to catch Susan on her way out of the building to comfort her. Alicia hugged her as Susan expressed her fear of Dad health declining even further - ultimately to death. Through this all, Dad is keeping his optimism (for the most part) that he'll improve but in Susan's view, he keeps taking one step forward and two backwards.

Jace's First Day in Preschool

Jace went to his first day of preschool today. I love to be at home for these days but today wasn't possible so I had to enjoy the morning vicariously through the pictures that Alicia took. We were afraid that he would be cautious and shy at school but that wasn't the case. His excitement overcame his natural character traits and he did an excellent job in his class. He reported later tonight that he liked his teacher and that he was able to show and tell about his trains.

I love this kid. It's so great to see him enjoying this.

Making Marriage Work

When I'm in a business setting, it's easy to recognize some common courtesies like being on time and calling to reset people's expectations on my performance. At home it's somehow really easy to forget to do those things. This morning I went to help Julie with her yard sale and it took longer than Alicia and I originally anticipated. I didn't properly call Alicia and let her know about these changes and as a result she felt sort of trampled. This was compounded later in the day when another obligation took me out of the home and she was left once again to take care of everything else while I was away.

Tonight we spoke openly about this and were able to express ourselves and come to greater understanding. It took over an hour with plenty of silent spaces of time but finally we resolved it and learned a bit more about each other in the process. At the end, we knelt in prayer expressing gratitude for our marriage and asking for help to overcome weaknesses and trials. There was a deep feeling on unity and love in that prayer.

This evening is an example of why I love Alicia and am lucky to be married to her. She is (1) open with her feedback and (2) committed to resolving issues and not letting them fester. I hurt her today but she was willing to talk it through - even when talking was very hard to do against the thick silence. Alicia has been so supportive and forgiving of me. She's committed to making marriage work and I am thankful for her patience in being married to imperfection. I love her and will strive to be as kind to her as she deserves.

Oil and Water?

I sure hope that none of my team follows my blog. As I write here I see a few patterns or categories to my writing. One is family and home life, one is personal thoughts and learnings, and another is work. Each of these effect me and shape who I am. For that reason, I'm not wanting to stop writing about work. I just hope this blog remains far under the radar until I don't manage them anymore.

We've been doing a team reconfiguration lately. As with most teams, I have top performers and low performers. This team reconfiguration allows me the opportunity to sort of clean house and send some people back to other teams if they're not working out. I've been researching performance, thinking and planning all week. Yesterday I felt stressed and worried about all this. This was odd because I have been feeling quite good about all the rearguing until that point. As I analyzed what was going on and asked God to help me figure out what's wrong, the answer eventually came later this evening in the quiet of my bedroom. Alicia was out grocery shopping, the kids were asleep and I was unaware that the daylight in the room had slowly vanished as I focused on my laptop and my thoughts.

It eventually occurred to me that I was not approaching this correctly. I was looking at this as an opportunity to get rid of dead wood and was not thinking about the development of the individuals on the team. Put in other words I was not caring about them. This kind of warm, squishy talk and business is an odd mix and on the surface they may seem like oil and water. But I'm beginning to wonder if it's actually a hidden secret to success. When people are appreciated they excel. When people care about each other, they do not hold back positive and negative feedback - because they are interested in the development of each other. Open feedback and correction with a foundation of understanding invites growth - both personal and in business. As long as every person is progressing along with the business unit, we have a good match. When people stop progressing, it doesn't work.

So, I took a different approach by identifying key values that needed to be exercised in this team and then I rated each team member according to my perception of those values. I'll place people in teams according to how they rate and then talk to each of them, one on one to provide feedback of how they can improve or head back to other teams if they want to develop elsewhere.

That feels SO much better.

Letting Go of the Old Dad

The family gathered today at Dad's place to have a little pot-luck (Which didn't turn out to be very lucky. We had lots of chips, water bottles, two kinds of cake, a salad and some cole slaw). It was the first family gathering since Dad's stroke. Dad was able to join us for about an hour of that and then he tired and needed to go back to his room.

Things have changed with Dad. I suppose that goes without saying when you're dealing with the aftermath of a serious stroke but I think I've been a bit delusional on what life will be like from here. Dad's been so strong that it's been easy to believe that he'll bounce right back. And indeed, he has done very well. His speech is excellent, his ability to understand and converse is good. His memory is intact as far as I can tell.

But there are indications that he is not progressing as we would have hoped. He still requires two full assistants to get out of bed. He gets tired very quickly. He isn't able to focus on visual things like pictures, puzzles, and computers - things he loved to do before the stroke. Today Susan brought his camera to him and after an extended period of trying, he was not able to figure out how to get it to work. And although his conversation is good, he doesn't have the same level of engagement that he used to. He's different.

I don't want to lose hope in him but at the same time, I want to live well with what he has. If I'm always focused on things he doesn't have, I fear I may lose focus on the good that's still there. So I'm wondering if I need to come to the acceptance that Dad may never be able to stand again, that he'll be in some sort of assisted living for the rest of his life, and that he needs to explore new hobbies that don't involve visual stimulus.

It's just hard to let the old Dad go.

An Enlightening Relationship

Today was a great reminder of how lucky I am to be married to Alicia. For our anniversary date tonight, Alicia and I went to the Temple in which we were married. We were there reminded of the promises we made eleven years ago and the blessings that will come if we're faithful to our promises. We participated in ordinances there that offer these same blessings to others who have died and can benefit from making these promises in the life after this one. As we did this work, I thought of how choice and growth continues after this life. This whole existence is so much bigger that what can be seen in this life and so many decisions we make here effect our happiness later on.

This perspective has benefitted our marriage. We made promises that are not temporary, they are eternal and they hold efficacy even after we die as long as we're true to them. The other thing that was clear tonight in the Temple is that the strongest marriage is the one where Jesus Christ is the bond holding two people together. Any other glue will decompose over time. We have felt that decomposition at times in our union. However, when we refocus on trying to both follow Christ and seeing the divine potential that God sees in the other person, we become stronger, better people.

This kind of enlightening relationship is precious. It's exactly the type of relationship that God wants for us. I'm very lucky to have that to some degree and to be working towards that together with my wife.

The Mom Job

Alicia has emotionally draining days. Dealing with the tasks of raising kids and running a household is just the tip of the iceberg. My perception of Alicia's days and my limited evening and weekend experience is that the real challenge that taxes the emotional and spiritual reserves of a parent is in correcting and encouraging different attributes of human behavior. Kids are a more overt in the expression of their feelings and this can lead to a healthy dose of drama at home. I deal with some human drama at work but people are usually more restrained about it in that setting. They aren't hitting each other and sticking their tongues out. Or on the positive end of things, people in the workplace don't usually hug each other when they are sorry or chase each other around just to enjoy each other's company.

The responsibility for teaching and raising children fall to both a Mom and a Dad. But the fact is, Alicia has much more face time with the kids then I do so she gets more of the drama. This can weigh one down as emotional and spiritual reserves are drained. Such has been the case lately with Alicia. Last week she was feeling pretty empty. As we talked about it, she identified that she felt she needed to take better care of her emotional, physical and spiritual needs in order to have the strength to help the kids. So she decided to get up with me at 5:30 am every morning so she could fit in a study the scriptures, a bit of exercising and getting ready for the day before the kids got up and going.

She's two days into this new approach so far but I've noticed that she's not as exhausted as she has been. Physically she's probably more exhausted but in matters of her heart, she seems to have more to give. I see that in how much she has to talk about at the end of the day. I see that in her spending time to play with the kids. And I see that in her teaching the kids principles of good living through correction and family study of the scriptures. I am glad to be married to Alicia and am grateful for her love and care on behalf of our kids. She's a great Mom.

Discovering Potential

It's sort of a discovery raise children. Aside discovering more about yourself as you parent (which is a whole other post) you learn and relearn the personality and potential of your children. Such is the case with Ethan.

We know a few things about Ethan right now. He's persistent, he's affectionate, he's fun-loving, and he's very much a one-track mind. Most of the time his mind is focused on something in tangible vicinity. As a result, learning intangibles like right and wrong can be a slower process. But he's starting to get it. Today he had a day when he was kind in his actions and speaking, even when circumstances would have typically sent him down a more reactive path. But today I understood that he was different, even principled in a six-year-old way.

Ethan is awesome. And the great thing is, all my kids are. They came to us with potential and we get to go along with them in discovering that potential.