Dad's Progress

The effects of the stroke have taken mobility and sensitivity out of Dad's left side. It has also slowed and slurred Dad's speech to some extent. But the real risk right now is that the swelling of insured brain tissues would increase to the point where it would damage Dad's speech or ability to move the good side of his body. If it were really serious it could even cause death. So the medical staff is watching him closely for any signs that brain function is decreasing. Fortunately, it hasn't. He continues to participate in conversations, he knows where his is and what day it is, he is doing better at eating and swallowing and he has good mobility - even some on his left side.

He's determined to get through this and I believe that it's paying off.

Late Night Hospital Conversation with Dad

I stayed awake at Dad's side through the early morning hours and during that time, I was able to talk to him a bit. It turned out to be a great conversation which I recorded in part below:

There was silence in the room for a while and then I asked, "How serious do you think this is?"

"Very serious," he responded slowly.

"How are you feeling?"

"Appalled. The [disabiling effects of serious medical conditions that] I’ve seen in others is going to happen to me now."

I didn't know how to respond to this so I stayed in silence for several minutes. Then asked, "You seem to intentionally divert attention from yourself to others. Why?"

"I’m sincerely interested in other people," he spoke slowly enough that I could capture every word. "I think one of the best ways to love God’s children is to show interest in them. And you show interest in them by remembering what’s going on in people’s lives and ask questions about that."

This reminded me of how he asked about Alicia as soon as I saw him yesterday. "Did you do that when you were a teacher?"

"Yes. I tried to have the same attitude The easiest way to love them was to know what life was like for them. Know what kinds of problems they had in their homes."

"Was your teacher of the year award a result of this approach with the kids?"

"The teacher who put forward my name as the parent of one of the children I helped. Mr. Tuttle."

Another few minutes of silence then he asked, "How do you think that Julie relies on you?"

I talked about how she asks me for advice, how I get the sense that she watches me and my life.

"It’s obvious that she’s relied on you quite heavily. Whenever she’d e-mail asking for advice, your e-mail was always right on and perceptive. She’s really a wonderful person. I admire her. As I admire you."

Dad's Stroke

I know this is morbid to take this kind of a picture but this
experience means something to me and this helps me
remember it.

As I was headed out to lock the Church this evening, Alicia opened the garage door and with the phone to her ear motioned for me to stay. She informed me that Jen had left a message and Dad had a stroke earlier this afternoon. We called her immediately and found out that he suffered a stroke around 3 pm this afternoon. He was in the bathroom at the time behind a closed and locked door and he was not found until 6 pm so by that time, the stroke had caused severe damage.

I quickly locked the church and then drove down to emergency room in Provo. There I found Jen and Susan a bit shaken up. I hugged them both and then went to Dad's bedside and grabbed his hand. He was laying down with a furrowed brow, closed eyes, and lots of wires hooked up to his body. I said hello to him and returned the greeting and then asked, "How is Alicia doing in recovering from her surgery."

I was floored. He was in the emergency room, paralyzed on his left side, in pain from having about 30% of his total brain tissues been damaged from the stroke and he asked very first thing how Alicia was doing. I laughed as I held his good hand and said that she's doing fine and thanked him for asking.

He was later transferred from the emergency room to adult intensive care. I had the privelige of staying at his side as Susan and Jen went home to get some rest before coming back for another shift to watch over him tomorrow.

About this time last year Mom had medical needs and we organized a 24 hour watch over her. That was a dramatic and sad time but it was also a precious time that I got to spend with her. Dad now has similar great medical needs and the family is organizing a watch over him in just the same way. It's feeling like we're getting to be professional at this but I don't begrudge it. I don't usually get to spend a lot of time around Dad but tonight I'll be able to be by his side for half the night.

Stress Investigation

This hidden weight thing is still on my mind. I've put a lot of thinking into trying to figure out why my job is stressing me out and several ideas have popped up but I don't have anything conclusive yet. Here's what I have so far:

• I'm a people pleaser with too many people to please - I might need to learn to let go of pleasing everyone and focus my attention of finding what's right and then doing that - even if there's drama along the way. Lack of drama isn't necessarily a measurement of success.
• Focusing on getting things done is not as fulfilling as enjoying the doing - I'm a tasky guy. Just ask my wife. There's a geeky thrill in checking stuff off the list but if the list is the focus, I tend to lose focus on more important things that get in the way or near the neat little path of getting things done.
• True joy comes from caring about and helping people - When I'm focused on what I want, I tend to get stressed out about it over time. When I am focused on what others need and who they are, a whole new world of potential and excitement opens up. I begin to see people as what they really are - unique human beings with threads of divine potential woven into their souls. 
• What people think of me is not as important as what God thinks of me - This is big. It's really easy for me to weigh people's opinions and thoughts as more important than God's. After all, these people are right in my face and God isn't. But what that can do is either inflate or deflate my self-image - depending on the mood of those around me. I suppose that it is a way of relinquishing control to other people.

So, those are my thoughts so far. Perhaps it's a combination of these and others. Can't wait to figure this out. Hopefully it won't take my whole life.

Hidden Weight

Over the past three days six people, including my wife have independently asked me with concern if everything is alright. On the first of these inquiries, my unspoken response, "Of course I'm alright." But as good hearted people kept asking, I began to wonder if something were actually wrong. This self-introspection reached a pinnacle tonight as I lay on the living room couch drained of energy after the kids went to bed. Alicia, in a similar feeling of exhaustion (especially because of some more vein work on her leg today), lay on the love seat across the room. I expressed that I didn't know exactly what was wrong but it had something to do with work.

Alicia told me that she can tell from the way that I talk about it that I get excited about this job. But she said that there's this heaviness to my countenance lately. That's how I feel. I love the job but I'm carrying a heavy weight. Ironically, despite it's heaviness, it's not easy for me to identify just what that is.

So, I went to bed tonight with a prayer that God would help me to figure out what it is.

The Curse of Saturdays

No matter how good my planning is it seems that we don't get as much done on Saturday as we'd like. And when Alicia and I realize that everything can't be done, we have to make difficult decisions about what we focus on. This is where any slight differentiation in priorities will become apparent. For example, I want to do things on Saturday that will contribute to the furthering of the eternal goal of getting the yard done, and Alicia often would prefer time go to maintaining that which we have in the front yard or in making the backyard more presentable by cutting down weeds or removing trash. This difference in thinking comes up every week and we usually do some sort of compromise.

I wish it were possible to do it all! I'm so anxious to have that blasted backyard finished and I also understand also the need for maintaing. It's really easy for me to want new things, a bigger house, an awesome yard, another car, etc., etc.. But I've realized recently that anytime we add something new, we add a new burden of maintenance of that thing to our time (mostly on Saturdays) and our budgets. After so many disappointing Saturdays, the reality of this maintenance on that which we already have is becoming a mental deterrent on the idea of getting new things - it's even making me wonder about getting rid of some of our current stuff.

So in the midst of this forest of maintaining things we have, I realized that if the yard is to be finished with it's new grading and retaining wall by the end of the summer, I'll need to take a few days off of work to get it done. Saturdays just aren't working for the amount of work there is to do.

Father's Day Part 2

When I got up this morning, I was told to stay downstairs until breakfast was ready. After about 20 minutes I was allowed to see my world-travelling Father's Day ticket referred to as Disneyland. Alicia had an image of the Plaza Inn hanging from the dining table light, a Disney character tablecloth and cups, and little toy Disney characters arranged as the centerpiece of the table. Alicia had recreated the Disneyland Character Breakfast for me. She even had little bags of fruit sours (yummy candy that you can get at Disneyland) on each plate.

Soon afterwards we packed up the kids and went to Africa - Hogle Zoo. The kids were hyper with excitement at being able to go out. Jace loved the train ride, Claire loved seeing the cats (foxes, cougars. etc.), Ethan wanted to see the snakes and crocodiles, and Emily wanted to ride the Carousel. Each of us had a good time and after about 3 hours, the tiredness started kicking in and we went home.

That was the conclusion of the 24 hour Father's Day celebration. Emily handed me a hand-made card when it was all done which summed it up nicely.

"Happy Father's Day Dad.
"We love you with all are heart.
"Hope you have a fun time."
Love, [Everyone signed]

A Worldwide Father's Day

Alicia has this knack for doing really creative, thoughtful activities. A few years ago she created this date where she removed all the furniture from our bedroom and made it into a beach with dyed blue sheets and a poster board sunset. She even made cut outs of seagulls and palm trees to go with it. And tonight she did something similar by throwing me an early Father's Day celebration with the theme of a worldwide trip.

I pulled into the garage after getting off my usual bus at 5:15 and saw a bunch of balloons and a note on the door into the house wishing me a Happy Father's Day. Then I came in and Emily read me a note informing me that I would be going on a world tour to various countries. I was handed a ticket saying that I would go to France, Mexico, USA, Jamaica, China, Canada, Disneyland, and Africa in the next 24 hours.

Before I could put my bag down and change into comfortable house clothes, I was ushered directly to the kitchen table where dinner was waiting. We had taco salad (Mexico), with a cheese ball (France), and yummy fruit/pop/sherbet tropical juice drink (Jamaica). For desert we had molten chocolate cake from Chili's (USA). The kids had helped with dinner and it was next to impossible for Alicia and Emily to keep Ethan from spilling the beans on what was next.

After dinner Emily handed me a note with a china flag on it. I opened it and saw the movie poster for Kung Fu Panda 2 printed inside. Ethan excitedly announced that we were going to go see Kung Fu Panda 2 at the theater. Alicia revealed 6 ziploc bags filled with various candy and I immediately wished that I hadn't eaten so much dinner and chocolate cake.

The movies went surprisingly well - better than any family movie-going experience has gone. Ben stayed in his car seat and when I covered it with a blanket and rocked him a bit - went straight to sleep. Claire hung out with her Mom and lost a bit of attention at the end of the movie. Emily and Ethan were, of course, riveted to the movie. The only problem was Jace - and even that was manageable. For the last 30 minutes he got bored and started exploring our row of seats, the vacant row immediately in front of us, and the stairs providing access to the stadium seating theater. Thursday night isn't a very busy night so there was enough room between us and other people that we were able to let him roam a bit. But even with these challenges, those of us interested in the movie were able to watch it in relative peace. And it was a good movie too! I swear, animated movies are so much better than the usual live action ones.

When the movie was done, I found out what the next country would be - Canada. I was escorted downstairs where I saw the family room cleared of furniture and our family tent erected in the center of the room. Sleeping bags, blankets, the inflatable mattress, and pillows were arranged in the tent and draped under the ceiling, a black sheet veiled mini Christmas lights resembling stars. A few of our house plants were in the immediate vicinity and our small whiteboard stood on a stool stating "Welcome to Browns Bay Provincial Park, Canada." So, we got in pajamas and everyone slept under the "stars."

What a Father's day! Apparently, it's not over because we still have Disneyland and Africa tomorrow but so far, I'm amazed at the preparation and care that they've shown so far.

Temple Square with Claire

The whole family packed in the van and drove to Salt Lake today to have a late lunch up here at my office. With Ben crawling around my office floor, the other kids sat at my office table and had peanut butter sandwiches and chips. As we were eating, I told them a bit how my current office building was going to be demolished in a few month. After I assured them that I would move out of the building first, we watched a few videos on YouTube of building implosions. They were riveted. Whenever my kids pay that much attention, they usually talk more about it or attach fears to what they saw in the following days. I'm not sure what will come of it but I do know that they seemed kind of sad that Daddy's building was going to go away - like they were mourning the loss of a cat or something. I had no idea they were so attached.

The family left and I kept Claire with me. We had arranged for Claire and I to have our date at Daddy's work so we walked around Temple Square, smelled about 15 flowers together, said hi to the missionaries there, and looked at the Christus statue. She and I talked a bit about Christ and then caught the bus back home. Claire sat next to me on the express bus seating and watched out the window as the city passed. Her usual seat in the van doesn't position her head high enough to see out the window but the bus gave her a full view. She then discovered that there were light buttons overhead that she could push so we turned those on and off repeatedly until we finally got on the freeway and she settled in with me to watch "Megamind" on my laptop.

It occurs to me that this time while my kids are young is so vital. Their minds are so active, curious and absorbent that it's a great time to help them know of my love and teach them things that are so important.

Summertime Sleepovers

Preparing for a Sunday afternoon nap.

Ever since school ended a few weeks ago, the kids ask to sleep over in another sibling's room about every other night. So we've moved Emily's bed to the boys room, moved Ethan's bed to Emily's room, and relocated all three at various points to the lower bunk in Claire's room. We even had all four kids in a fort downstairs a few weeks ago (that one didn't work out though).  

They are becoming more aware of each other's sleeping habits though. Emily's sleepy, flailing limbs are finding their way into other kids space. Jace's late night excitement is finding outlet when others are present. And Claire's long-lasting sociality emerges when she has company in her room. But the kids still love it. I don't have a problem with it either since they get such a kick out of it and it's a no cost fun thing we can do for the kids.

Finally Enjoying Parades

I don't know if this is just a Utah thing but nearly every town around here has some kind of summertime weekend celebration. Frequently, they'll attach "Days" on the end of some term that has some significance to the town and they'll have a baby contest, beauty pagent, parade, and even a rodeo if the cowboy per capita warrants it. Thus, we get "Strawberry Days", "Iron Days", "Pony Express Days", and even "Onion days." Tonight, we attended one of these celebrations in Orem and watched an evening parade with Dad, Susan, Dave, Jen and family, Jennifer and family, and Julie and family.

I've never been much of a parade guy. I remember my Mom dragging the kids out for as many parades as she could take us to. Most of the time, when I think about parades, I think about boredom, tired feet from walking blocks and blocks to parade routes, and blistering heat from watching float after float in July head for four hours (Not an exaggeration. The Provo summertime parade is 4 hours.) but I very much enjoyed this tonight (aside from my lower back hurting after standing with Ben in arms or on my shoulders for the whole time). Most of the enjoyment came from watching my kids enjoy the parade. About every second float threw candy out at the crowds and my kids loaded up on the sweet stuff. Each of them had something they really enjoyed this evening. Ben is getting into a smiley stage so he enjoyed seeing the faces of the family giving him the attention he's always so thirsty for at home. Claire saw some Disney princesses (actors from a local theater group) and loved that. She also loved seeing all the beauty queens from the various towns. Jace said his favorite part was the police cars and fire trucks. Ethan and Emily loved it when Uncle Dave gave them rides on his motorcycle in the Church parking lot.

It was a great way to spend a summer evening.